trapped_38 (trapped_38) wrote in bitchingnmoanin,

I feel as if everything in my life is spiralling madly out of control. I don't know why. I just can't seem to keep a grip on anything - my friends, my exams, let alone myself. Everything's just stopped working.

You know when you think you can count on someone? Someone who you just assume will be there because they always have been? And then there comes that one time when they let you down and you feel so incredibly lost. And you realise just how much you've taken them for granted all your life. And you feel rubbish because all you can think about is how this is the one time, the one time you actually really wanted, needed, them there and they're not. And you forget all the other times because, by comparison, this time seems so much more important. Even though it's probably not. In fact, it's definitely not, but you just wanted them to pull through for you this time so badly.

It's like that, only there's more than one. To be perfectly honest, there's a whole bunch of them. Which just makes you so depressed because when everyone lets you down, that's the time you feel most alone. You feel as if you have no one. No one. And you think and you think that there must be someone you can call. Someone else you can ask for help, but there's not. You spend hours scrolling through your contact list in a vain attempt to find someone but there isn't anybody. And that, more than anything else is what makes you want to curl up into a ball and cry and never ever stop.

And you wonder why you're so surprised. It's not their fault, they're only people after all. People, like you, so full of fault it's sickening. People who lie, cheat, betray, hurt; just like you. And you can't blame them for it because you're exactly the same. At least that's what you tell yourself - in reality, you're so much worse. But admitting that would be admitting that you're to blame. And although you know that deep down, you're far too proud to ever say it aloud. And so you blame them. All the guilt, shame and blame you transfer onto them, because if they're their flaws, then they can't be yours. Even though it's human nature and everyone's the same.
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